I would like to thank Matt Embree and Rx Bandits for the use of their music! They really do complete this novel. Thanks again, guys.
I would like to thank Matt Embree and Rx Bandits for the use of their music! They really do complete this novel. Thanks again, guys.
There she is.
She was drawing on a large sketchpad propped up onto a wooden easel. Next to it was a small table with pencils, erasers, paints and other small objects used for sketching. Charlie was seated directly in front of the sketchpad on an old stool, straddling both sides with her heels propped up on the foot rest. She was wearing a stained white long-sleeved shirt, drawing carefully on the paper in front of her.
Hey all you fans out there!
Thank you so much for your continued support. I am truly happy that so many have enjoyed what they’ve read so far. I do hope that you will continue to read the book and share it with your friends, once I publish it to Kindle in March 2013!
In the meantime, I will be posting more of Charlie’s journal entries and artwork. I also plan to put a few of Jesse’s things here as well. So, feel free to take a look around and let me know what you think.
I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll give you this letter, but I’m going to write it with the intentions of you reading it someday.
I hate not being able to be honest with you. But I’m way too defensive, needy and prideful where you’re concerned. I’ve reached this point where I plan the things I want to say to you. But of course, the subject of “us” is always brushed under the rug and saved for another day, another time, when we’ll both be ready to face it.
I’ve decided that day will never come.
I don’t regret that night, and I’m sorry if you do. And I’m sorry if you were ever disappointed. I’m not as experienced as, well, you. But, I need you in my life, I need you as my friend. Who knows? Maybe the sexual tension will finally pass now that the mystery is over. I’ll understand if it’s too weird for you, but I’m kind of addicted to you. To “us.” I’ve been pretty miserable for the past few days not knowing what you’re thinking, not being able to ask you, not being able to see you.
I know you’re not in love with me, and I’m not in love with you. But I don’t think, even twenty years from now, I could ever stop adoring you.
There’s something about your mixed messages that had kept me at your beck-and-call. It probably freaks you out that I’ve thought about you for so long, and so hard. I had been trying to put all the pieces together in my head, but it’s like a god damned never-ending jigsaw puzzle that just keeps accumulating in my head. It’s starting to overflow out my ears.
I left you that night for a few reasons. I had been thinking so much about myself and how you made me feel, that I hadn’t taken into consideration whether or not “you and I” should happen. When you asked me to stay, well, let’s just say it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I couldn’t stay. I feared the rejection you might give me the next morning with a change of heart. I feared what would happen if I let myself fall in love with you. But, most of all, I feared for you. You’re not ready for what I need. And, I certainly don’t have the understanding or patience for your moods. I am not right for you. God, I wish I was. I wish I was everything you wanted and needed me to be. I long for a fairytale ending, a dark knight on a white horse, a happily ever after. But with you, I just can’t do it. I couldn’t let myself be a part of that night anymore. Everything had been perfect, and I needed to leave before you crushed it for me.
The bottom line is… I can’t be the person you deserve. I know I’m sassy, sarcastic, foxy, feisty and about a dozen other adorable words you choose to describe me. But, that’s not enough. That’s all superficial bullshit. You need someone better than me. She needs to be patient, kind, forgiving, less defensive. You need someone who doesn’t hold your words against you. Someone who can understand and relate to your mind. With time, I can see a relationship between the two of us chipping away at all the things I love about us now. Slowly shredding it until there’s nothing left.
Walking away seemed the best thing to do at the time. But there isn’t a minute of the day I don’t wish I had made a different choice.
I’m tired Jess. I’m exhausted from the game we play. I need the truth. Do with me what you will, but honesty is the most important asset in a friendship. If you can’t give me that, then I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.
Please just tell me how you feel.
Case File # 121774-3249
Subject Name: Jesse James Anders (Jesse James Sanborn)
D.O.B.: 17-November, 1987
Address: 1816 Burnsville Parkway, Burnsville, MN 55337
Contact: 953-443-4309 (last known working phone, no longer in service)
Single Caucasian Male
No religion specified
Chief Complaint from patient: “I’m having troubles with time. I can’t remember when I’m scheduled to work. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel numb. And, I’m drunk.” – Message taken by staff member Shelly Gleason over the phone on September 6, 2012.
Notes: Patient first seen in by Dr. Jackson on August 4, 2003 after complaints of previous doctor not using effective treatment methods. After refusal of psychotherapy, patient has been seen regularly by Dr. Jackson to update his prescriptions.
Initial Diagnosis: ADHD, victim of severe physical abuse by biological parents and two foster fathers before the age of 15. Other Detachment disorders noted, but not specified as patient is reluctant to discuss childhood.
Date of Diagnosis: March 1997 by Dr. Ralph Carlson, MD. before referred to our offices in 2003. (see attached notes from Dr. Carlson)
Current Diagnosis: Bipolar I (initial diagnosis retracted after prescribed medication failures to ease symptoms).
Date of Current Diagnosis: December 2003
History: Born in St. Paul, MN to John and Melinda Sanborn. No known complications with childbirth or mental health history before ten years of age. Father, John worked for a manufacturing plant, and mother, Melinda, a domestic engineer. Mother had a bipolar diagnosis but remained un-medicated throughout patient’s childhood. Have not been able to reach patient’s biological parents for confirmation.
Patient describes his social life before ten as “normal.” Received good grades, had many friends, adjusted well to new situations, etc. Patient refuses to discuss the death of his sister, Mandy, and when asked general questions about his family life through childhood, he chooses not to respond. (see attached interview with father and Dr. Carlson, discussing initial diagnosis and circumstances surrounding “Mandy’s” death.)
Marriage, Education and Occupational History: Patient is single, but dating. One significant relationship to date. Patient is heterosexual with a history of promiscuity with multiple partners.
High school diploma and one year complete of Community College. Social situations through school presented challenges for patient in communication and focus.
Occupational history includes: restaurant industry, warehouse, USA Cycling National Championships cross-country and other competitions, and briefly, The US Marines.
High risk behaviors include: Alcohol abuse, marijuana abuse, aggression, and a history of police confrontation.
Current living/social situation: Lives with friend, Jake, and Jake’s father, Dennis, in a single-family home in suburb of Minneapolis, MN. He rents out a single room in the home. Patient describes social situations as solitary or few friends of note. Patient is highly intelligent (see attached MMPI and Weschler results), but prefers an environment of low risk and low challenge.
Summation and Notes:
Initial visit in 2003: Patient was brought by foster mother, Lily Lamoureaux, to our offices at fourteen years of age. Patient’s overall appearance was clean and appropriate. Eye contact minimal and very few words spoken. Ms. Lamoureaux described patient as “sad, confused and broken.” Patient evasive and bouncing knee with arms folded in front of chest. Posture was slouched and showed ambivalence. Patient was alert, but hostile when asked specific questions of state-of-mind, depression and previous foster care. Ms. Lamoureaux described his past situation as “unfortunate and unloving” and “abusive, neglectful and punishable.” (see enclosed audio recording of initial visit – #A3328)
Anxiety visibly increased in patient as Ms. Lamoureaux described previous foster living arrangements and previous biological parental abuse, along with the death of patient’s sister, “Mandy.”
Initial diagnosis of ADHD by Dr. Carlson in question.
Hospitalizations and Interventions: Patient suffered head trauma as a result of a social altercation in 2012. Previous hospitalizations before in my care are noted in Dr. Carlson’s file (see attached).
Medications: (see full history and side effects attached)
First attempt at a book trailer here, so be nice. 😉
I shout long enough thinking someone will respond. No luck. I’ve been drinking, smoking cigarettes and eating non-stop for over two weeks now. Trading one addiction for another. I’m tired and sick. I know I’m doing it, but that alone isn’t enough to make me stop.
When I’m partaking in these vices, I feel the pain go away. The teasing, the self-loathing. Then, I wake the next morning thinking, ‘What the hell did I do last night? Did I really eat all of that? Did I really drink an entire case? Why? Why do I do this to myself?’ Then the self-worth sinks again. Rock bottom. Ignorant. Failure. Stupid. Incompetent. Unjustifiable. Loser. Idiot. Forgetful. Fat. Gross. Punishable. Nothing.
As if I need any of Aaron’s beautiful reminders of how much of ‘nothing’ I really am. It’s horrible thinking about the things he said to me, let alone the despicable things I’ve continued to say to myself since then. It’s been seven years, Charlie. Let it the fuck go. It hasn’t been Aaron Paulson’s fault since you graduated high school.
I want to change. I don’t want to be fat and gross anymore. I guess I just don’t want it bad enough.
Enough of all that nonsense. I’ll figure it out, eventually. Hopefully by Friday. I have a job interview at The Crimson Cellar.
It’s been a while since I wrote in here. Looks like my last entry was another pity party. So glad I’ve captured that in print. Ugh, I’m so pathetic.
So, I got the job at The Crimson Cellar! I’m pretty excited about that. The job itself is fast-paced, but easy. Boy do my feet hurt!
But, I met someone. Well, I guess you couldn’t say I actually “met” him, more of just a “I-have-to-speak-to-you-because-we-work-together” sort of thing. It’s so embarrassing; the physical reaction I had when I saw him for the first time was indescribable. I had absolutely no control over my body. Butterflies, burning, and I think my nipples even got hard at one point, which is not only gross, but obviously something that has never happened to me before.
God, I really need to get laid.
Okay, I feel like I should write more about Jesse, because I can’t seem to get him out of my head. We’ve sort of become friends. I use that word lightly, because he doesn’t seem to be friends with many people… so I can’t say as if that’s what he considers me. We’ve hung out a few times, but he doesn’t really confide in me. Either he doesn’t trust me, or he just doesn’t really care. Either way, this guy is unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and I’m not quite sure what to make of him. He’s sensitive, insecure, beautiful, unreliable, uneasy, passionate and he’s always winking, touching, tickling and groping. Some of the things he says makes me change my panties, and he’s absolutely breath-taking, which doesn’t make it easier. He’s got blonde hair, bright blue eyes, a labret and a body from HELL. He’s a twenty-six year old SKA punk boy and I find him absolutely irresistible.
The biggest problem I’m having is his insensitivity and social awkwardness. He’s jaded, tainted and has a big problem opening up. Even as just friends, I don’t know if he’s even capable of having a relationship. And, I’m certain he would never want an actual relationship with me – he likes skinny chicks. The crush I have on him is barely worth mentioning at this point. But there’s something about him that makes me feel… special. But, I think the whole virginity thing scares him. I don’t blame him, it’s starting to scare me too.
Is anyone ever going to want to sleep with me?
I wonder how often he thinks about me, and I wonder if I’ve given him the impression that I don’t want him in that way. He says he’s really shy and insecure around women he really likes.
Okay, so I saw him tonight and he had a delivery that took him two hours to find, wrong directions or something. He was in a horrible mood, so I decided to leave him alone. Five minutes later, he was totally fine and found me in the bar. He was wearing a bright green shirt that clung to his chest. Yeah, I’ve decided that blue is not the only great color for him; everything he wears is wonderful, I just want to attack him. God, listen to me! I’m talking like a fucking Barbie doll. Yes, I realize Barbie dolls don’t speak.
He kept apologizing for not calling me last night like he said he would. I just dismissed it with a “whatever” and waved my arm walking away. He FOLLOWED me and apologized over and over. I wish it was his style to say, “Let me make it up to you.”
There are things that I see in him that I don’t think other people take the time to. His eyes, crudeness, honesty, and his hands. He impresses me. I watch him sometimes, and I think he knows it, too, but says nothing. I can see his thoughts.
Here’s the perfect analogy: “Sometimes when he takes my breath away, but I’m not so sure he’ll ever give it back.”
AHH! JESSE IS SO FRUSTRATING! He makes me feel so insignificant one minute, and the next, I’m the only other person in the world. I’ll never understand. I have way too much meat on me and I’m way too tall. The fact that he spends time with me makes me feel so worthy and that I deserve him.
I went to the library the other day and did some research on manic-depression. Things are starting to make a little more sense, but I don’t want to assume anything about him until he tells me. According to some of the stuff I read, bipolar people have very intriguing minds. Extreme highs and lows, erratic behavior, over-blown self-esteem… all very interesting. It doesn’t make me want to back off, it only makes me want to crawl inside his head and comfort him.
I don’t pretend to like his music if I don’t. And I don’t pretend to be interested in his bike stuff if I’m not. I just enjoy watching his passion for them. He gets so excited and worked up, that I fall into a trance where I can feel what he feels. It’s almost as though I get a burst of energy with him.
But, I’m just his buddy. Once again. How many times will this happen to me in a lifetime? Sean, Mike, Michael, Adam, Josh and that’s just to name a few. Stuck again.
At this point, I swear he just keeps me around because I make him feel attractive and interesting.
Oh, I almost forgot, this is kinda cool. I’ve lost almost 30 pounds! I know, right? I still have a long way to go, but this is a really good start. The nice thing about needing to lose 100 pounds is that taking off 20 is pretty easy. It just requires not eating so much. I’ve been exercising a little, but not a ton. I’ve really only been “trying” to lose for a couple of weeks now. It feels pretty fucking amazing, actually.
Now, I’m not one to listen to rumors, but when they involve Jess, my ears perk up. Especially when it pertains to ME. Angie told me that she overheard a conversation he was having with Justine the other day. I guess they were talking about me… Angie distinctly heard the words, “Na, Charlie and I are just friends. I basically had to spell it out for her.”
I don’t know what he could have meant by that, because nothing he’s said could ever “spell it out” for me. If it’s true, and he really did say that, he’s a liar and probably still just trying to get in her pants, when she turns eighteen.
Um, holy shit. So, I just got home from Karal’s cabin today. I seriously don’t know where to start.
So, there I am, having fun with the girls, and who shows up? Yep, Jess. JESS! Yeah, “spelling it out for me”… makes total sense you want nothing from me. Right.
I should back up. Lily called me the other day and was worried about Jess. So, I found out his ass was thrown in jail. JAIL! Me, having a friend that’s incarcerated. Nice. I’ve never had a friend who was a criminal. That might sound a bit naïve, but I don’t claim to have much experience with anything. So, I asked Dad for some money to bail him out. I posted his bail and went up north with the girls.
So, during a game of “Truth or Dare”, that Angie initiated, I’m completely naked laying in the lake, drunk and soaking wet. I decide to walk back up to the cabin. Yep, there he is. In all his beautiful glory. Watching me walk back to the fire and putting my clothes back on.
I wish I could say that it ended well. I wish I could say that he actually saw me, and wanted me, for all that I am. But he didn’t. Yes, it’s true, he came to find me, but if he had any intentions of sleeping with me, those likely ended once he saw my body.
And though I’ve lost almost sixty pounds now, I still have a long way to go. I just wish I could have been skinnier and prettier before he saw me naked. Ugh! NAKED. I’m so ashamed.
It all makes me so sad. I wish he knew what it was like for me. I wish he understood how disgusting I think I am. I wish he’d tell me that I’m someone, something, and that I deserve to be touched. I wish he was someone that I don’t think he’ll ever be capable of being.