A Letter to Jesse

February 24, 2013 — Leave a comment


I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll give you this letter, but I’m going to write it with the intentions of you reading it someday.

I hate not being able to be honest with you. But I’m way too defensive, needy and prideful where you’re concerned. I’ve reached this point where I plan the things I want to say to you. But of course, the subject of “us” is always brushed under the rug and saved for another day, another time, when we’ll both be ready to face it.

I’ve decided that day will never come.

I don’t regret that night, and I’m sorry if you do. And I’m sorry if you were ever disappointed. I’m not as experienced as, well, you. But, I need you in my life, I need you as my friend. Who knows? Maybe the sexual tension will finally pass now that the mystery is over. I’ll understand if it’s too weird for you, but I’m kind of addicted to you. To “us.” I’ve been pretty miserable for the past few days not knowing what you’re thinking, not being able to ask you, not being able to see you.

I know you’re not in love with me, and I’m not in love with you. But I don’t think, even twenty years from now, I could ever stop adoring you.

There’s something about your mixed messages that had kept me at your beck-and-call. It probably freaks you out that I’ve thought about you for so long, and so hard. I had been trying to put all the pieces together in my head, but it’s like a god damned never-ending jigsaw puzzle that just keeps accumulating in my head. It’s starting to overflow out my ears.

I left you that night for a few reasons. I had been thinking so much about myself and how you made me feel, that I hadn’t taken into consideration whether or not “you and I” should happen. When you asked me to stay, well, let’s just say it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I couldn’t stay. I feared the rejection you might give me the next morning with a change of heart. I feared what would happen if I let myself fall in love with you. But, most of all, I feared for you. You’re not ready for what I need. And, I certainly don’t have the understanding or patience for your moods. I am not right for you. God, I wish I was. I wish I was everything you wanted and needed me to be. I long for a fairytale ending, a dark knight on a white horse, a happily ever after. But with you, I just can’t do it. I couldn’t let myself be a part of that night anymore. Everything had been perfect, and I needed to leave before you crushed it for me.

The bottom line is… I can’t be the person you deserve. I know I’m sassy, sarcastic, foxy, feisty and about a dozen other adorable words you choose to describe me. But, that’s not enough. That’s all superficial bullshit. You need someone better than me. She needs to be patient, kind, forgiving, less defensive. You need someone who doesn’t hold your words against you. Someone who can understand and relate to your mind. With time, I can see a relationship between the two of us chipping away at all the things I love about us now. Slowly shredding it until there’s nothing left.

Walking away seemed the best thing to do at the time. But there isn’t a minute of the day I don’t wish I had made a different choice.

I’m tired Jess. I’m exhausted from the game we play. I need the truth. Do with me what you will, but honesty is the most important asset in a friendship. If you can’t give me that, then I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.

Please just tell me how you feel.



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